Find the happy me

I am sick of pretending,
putting that smile on my face,
everyday.

I wasn't like this before.
I was happy,
something I don't know anymore.

Every morning I wake up with that smile,
that once was real,
watching the sunrise, a new beginning,
but not for me.

So I wander through the day,
barely living, hardly remembering,
everything said and done.

Guiding the others, comforting with love,
has made me blind to my own broken heart.
I am not as strong as I used to be,
I am not as strong as everyone thinks.

Every evening I feel the water running thorugh my hair.
Flushing, hot, mixing with my tears,
damned to be ignored.

There's no way out, that's clear.
No chance to leave it all behind.
The betrayal was too hard,
to create a new beginning for me.

Something I have to face alone,
without any aid. The happy me is gone,
forever.

No matter what I say, I do, I hear,
I scream, I take or I pretend,
the truth is there, which I never hoped to live.

There is more, but already now,
I lost the strenght to carry on,
the will to fight, and hid my fear in lies.

I don't want to hear
"I'm here if you want to talk.",
because this is real life.
I don't want to hear
"What happened?",

Because,

The only thing I want,
is to turn back time,
start all over,
and find,
my happy me.